22. Weird Wars

Episode Summary

Executive Summary: Dominic Sandbrook and Tom Holland each select five “weird wars,” using them to explore obscure conflicts marked by prophecy, absurdity, global reach, and extreme violence. The episode ranges from ancient Greek sacred warfare to the Emu War and the Russian Civil War, balancing dark humor with repeated reminders that these were real human tragedies.

Main Topics: The premise of “weird wars” (Priority: 5/5): The hosts define the episode as a playful but respectful survey of obscure, strange, or colorful wars, while acknowledging the suffering involved and the limits of their outsider perspective. Ancient and religious conflict (Priority: 4/5): Tom opens with the First Sacred War, emphasizing Delphi, Apollo’s sanction, and the use of poisonous hellebore as an early form of chemical warfare. Prophets, queens, and resistance (Priority: 4/5): Several wars feature charismatic or prophetic figures, especially the War of Canudos, the Umayyad-Berber War, and the role of Al-Kahina as a warrior-prophetess resisting conquest. Imperial overreach and absurd military expeditions (Priority: 4/5): The British expedition to Abyssinia and the German-Hungarian War are presented as dramatic examples of state power, symbolism, and military theater, with strong literary echoes. Global and commercial warfare (Priority: 3/5): The Dutch-Portuguese War is framed as an early global conflict driven by trade companies and imperial competition across multiple continents. Catastrophic civil war and demographic collapse (Priority: 5/5): The War of the Triple Alliance and the Russian Civil War are used to show how strange wars can also be among the most destructive, reshaping societies for generations. Comic mismatch between force and reality (Priority: 3/5): The Emu War and Jenkins’s Ear illustrate the episode’s recurring theme that wars can become absurd when political symbolism, propaganda, or misjudgment collide with reality.

Key Arguments: Weird wars are often strange because they are distant from the hosts’ cultural perspective, not because they were trivial to the people involved. The First Sacred War is notable as an early example of poisoning a water supply with hellebore, suggesting proto-chemical warfare. Canudos shows how modernizing elites can misread and brutally destroy a religious-populist movement. Al-Kahina’s story demonstrates how historical figures become malleable symbols for later political causes. The Abyssinian expedition reveals how imperial powers could launch huge operations over a personal slight and still suffer minimal casualties. The Dutch-Portuguese War deserves to be called the first truly global war because it spanned South America, Africa, India, and the Pacific. The Emu War works as a parody of colonial warfare, exposing the limits of military technology against a mobile, elusive enemy. The Russian Civil War was not inevitable; Bolshevik victory depended on control of cities, industry, and a persuasive political message. The War of the Triple Alliance was one of the most devastating conflicts in South American history, with demographic consequences still felt in Paraguay.

Data Points: First Sacred War date: 590 BC - Tom Holland dates the conflict over Delphi and Kyra to the early archaic Greek period. War of Canudos deaths: about 25,000 - Dominic says the Brazilian military killed roughly 25,000 people in the destruction of Canudos. Umayyad-Berber War date range: 690s to 702 AD - Tom places Al-Kahina’s resistance during the Arab conquest of North Africa. Battle date: 696 - Tom says Al-Kahina defeats the Arabs in a battle beside a river in 696. British expedition to Abyssinia casualties: 2 British dead - Dominic contrasts British losses with the much larger Ethiopian losses in the Magdala expedition. Abyssinia expedition distance: 400 miles - The British force had to move inland roughly 400 miles from the Red Sea to Magdala. Battle of the River Lech date: 955 - Tom identifies the German-Hungarian conflict with the Battle of the River Lech. War of Jenkins’s Ear date range: 1739 to 1748 - Dominic gives the formal span of the Anglo-Spanish conflict. Dutch-Portuguese War date range: 1602 to 1663 - Dominic frames the conflict as a long-running global struggle between trading empires. War of the Triple Alliance deaths: about 500,000 - Dominic describes the Paraguayan War as extraordinarily lethal. Paraguay population loss: 60% to 90% - He notes estimates that Paraguay lost a vast majority of its population. Emu War date: 1932 - Tom places the Australian military campaign against emus in the interwar period. Emu force size: 20,000 emus - Tom says the invading emu population numbered around twenty thousand. Russian Civil War scale: millions upon millions died - Tom emphasizes the immense human cost of the conflict, though without giving a precise figure. Czech Legion size: about 50,000 - Tom describes the Austro-Hungarian prisoners who became a major force in the Russian Civil War.

Pivotal Quotes: "we're not making light of that. Well, no more than is tasteful anyway." — Dominic Sandbrook: Opening disclaimer about discussing wars humorously while acknowledging suffering. "I think that actually this is the First World War." — Dominic Sandbrook: His argument that the Dutch-Portuguese War was the first truly global conflict. "War, what is it good for? War. Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely nothing." — Dominic Sandbrook: Closing exchange on whether war can ever be beneficial.

Implications: The episode shows how history can be both entertaining and sobering: strange wars reveal propaganda, imperialism, fanaticism, and state power, but also the human cost behind the spectacle. It encourages listeners to question familiar narratives and recognize overlooked global histories.