Why Is No One Having Sex? - Alex DatePsych - #593

Episode Summary

Executive Summary: The discussion examines why modern dating feels harder, linking app gender imbalances, online fear of creepiness, reduced in-person approaches, and social-media risk aversion to fewer relationships and more loneliness. It challenges myths about women’s standards, argues most pairings still form offline or via social media, and highlights how manosphere/extreme narratives distort reality and fuel contempt, cynicism, and poor relationship outcomes.

Main Topics: Dating-app gender imbalance and attention inequality (Priority: 5/5): Dating apps are framed as structurally unequal because there are far more men than women, which concentrates attention on a small subset of men and leaves many men unmatched before behavior even enters the equation. Approach anxiety, creepiness, and public interaction norms (Priority: 5/5): The guests reconcile men fearing creepiness with women wanting men to initiate by arguing that polite approaches are usually acceptable, while online outrage and viral anecdotes exaggerate real-world risk. How people actually meet now (Priority: 4/5): The conversation emphasizes that most relationships still do not begin purely in apps; many start offline through friends, work, school, and increasingly social media, complicating claims that dating is now entirely app-based. Sexlessness, risk aversion, and changing youth behavior (Priority: 5/5): Declining alcohol use, longer adolescence, fewer risky social environments, and smartphone-era surveillance are presented as major factors reducing casual sex and making young people more cautious. Women’s standards, hypergamy, and education/employment (Priority: 4/5): The discussion questions the claim that women’s standards have simply risen because of apps, instead suggesting broader educational/economic shifts, obesity, and changing mate-value distributions affect partner search. Evolutionary psychology, short-term mating, and replication problems (Priority: 4/5): The guests argue that older evolutionary theories like ovulatory shift and dual-mating have weak support, and that short-term mating may more often reflect mate-switching than a separate strategy. Manosphere pipelines, contempt, and relationship failure (Priority: 5/5): PUA, red-pill, incel, and MGTOW communities are described as connected trajectories shaped by rejection, poor resilience, and contempt toward the opposite sex—traits that predict worse relationship outcomes.

Key Arguments: The sex ratio on dating apps heavily disadvantages men, so attention inequality is partly structural rather than purely behavioral. Men are often afraid of being seen as creepy, but polite approaches are not generally what women label creepy; online anecdotes magnify the perceived danger. Most singles still meet through offline channels or social media, not just dating apps, so public interaction remains important. Online dating use appears tied to personality differences; app users may be more impulsive or more open to monogamy and hookups, which can affect outcomes. Lower alcohol consumption, delayed adulthood, and smartphone/social-media scrutiny have made young adults more risk-averse and less sexually adventurous. Claims that women universally raise standards because of apps are overstated; evidence suggests broader shifts in mate availability, education, and preferences matter more. Women and men show strong differences in sociosexuality, and many women’s short-term mating may be better understood as mate-switching than as a separate “dual-mate” strategy. The most attractive women are not necessarily the most sexually active; mid-range attractiveness may correlate with more partners because sex can function as mate-securing behavior. Manosphere communities can create self-reinforcing cynicism: repeated rejection, bad partner selection, and high-contempt narratives can push people from pickup advice into incel or MGTOW identities. Contempt toward the opposite sex is poisonous to relationships; entering dating with hatred or distrust predicts failure.

Data Points: Men-to-women ratio on dating apps: about 3:1 - Used to argue that app dynamics structurally leave many men unmatched. Men without matches in a 1:1 pairing scenario: about 66% - Hypothetical illustration of app imbalance if every user paired off once. Single men who fear approaching women: 46% - Referenced as avoiding approaches out of fear of being seen as creepy. Women reporting creepy behavior: 82% - Used to show that creepy behavior is common, but not necessarily ordinary approach behavior. Women wanting men to make the first move: 86% - Presented as conflicting with men’s fear of initiating. People meeting via online dating: 10% of Americans; 20% under 30 - Cited from Pew results to show online dating is important but not dominant. People meeting through online dating or social media: around 40% combined - Derived from combining app-based and social-media-based meeting pathways. People seeking monogamous relationships on apps: about 70% - Challenges the idea that apps are mainly for hookups. Attribution of variance in sexlessness to lower alcohol use: about 30% - Presented as one compelling explanation for reduced casual sex among young people. Single people under 30 not looking for a partner: about half - Indicates that singleness is often not solely due to failed searching. Young men in the population who are single: 60% - Recent Pew data cited for men under 30. Young men in 1984 who were single: 46% - Historical comparison showing an increase among the youngest cohort. Relationship stability after age 30: about 70% partnered - Used to show that long-term singleness is less common in older cohorts. Effects of Tinder on sexual partners among Greek students: about one extra partner per year - A longitudinal finding suggesting modest change among already high-status men. Promiscuous population share: top 10% - Described as a sociosexual minority responsible for a disproportionate share of STI transmission. Heritability of personality: about 50% - Used to explain inherited tendencies toward infidelity and divorce. Correlation of attractiveness ratings across groups: 0.6 to 0.9 - Shows high overall agreement on facial attractiveness. Pairwise correlation of attractiveness ratings: about 0.2 to 0.3 - Shows much lower agreement between individuals than group-level metrics suggest. Women attracted to different men by cycle phase: no robust shift found - Used to argue ovulatory shift findings have not replicated well. Men in relationships who are not primary breadwinners and ED meds: more likely to use erectile dysfunction medication - Mentioned as an example of possible negative effects when women out-earn men. Women’s sexual desire over relationship duration: 21.5% to 40% reported low desire across longer relationships - Illustrates a steep increase in low desire among women as relationship length grows. Men’s sexual desire over relationship duration: 13% to 16.1% reported low desire across longer relationships - Shows a much smaller change for men over time. Children born outside wedlock in the UK last year: 50.1% / 51.6% - Referenced as evidence of major family-structure change; both figures are mentioned in the transcript.

Pivotal Quotes: "there's about three men for every one woman" — Alexander: Explaining why dating apps inherently disadvantage many men "the problem was Me Too tried to sanitize the creepy elements, and instead it sterilized all of it" — Host: Arguing that fear of accusation has reduced normal social/romantic interaction "you're not competing with the people across the other side of the aisle from you. You're competing within your own tribe" — Host: Summarizing the claim that intra-sex competition matters more than inter-sex hostility

Implications: Listeners should be skeptical of extreme dating narratives and data-free internet cynicism. The episode suggests real-world mate search still depends on resilience, social norms, and offline contact—and that contempt, not just looks or apps, can sabotage relationships.