Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters) - Dr Debra Soh - #1072

Episode Summary

Executive Summary: The conversation argues that falling sex rates are part of a broader social, technological, and biological “intimacy recession.” The guest links declining partnered sex to porn, social media, mental health, birth control, endocrine disruption, and changing mating markets, while also critiquing hypergamy, plastic surgery, and sex-positive norms. The discussion ends with pragmatic advice: meet offline, reduce phones/porn, improve health, and recognize fertility constraints earlier.

Main Topics: The sex recession and declining intimacy (Priority: 5/5): The guest frames reduced sexual activity among millennials and Gen Z as a large, cross-cultural trend affecting singles, married couples, and adolescents—not just a shift from partnered sex to masturbation or other outlets. Technology as a substitute for real relationships (Priority: 5/5): Porn, AI companions, sex dolls, dating apps, and social media are presented as easier, more stimulating substitutes that satisfy some needs while reducing motivation for real-world connection and sex. Mating markets, hypergamy, and sex-ratio imbalance (Priority: 5/5): The discussion argues that female educational and income gains have shrunk the pool of “eligible” men, altered dating incentives, and intensified status competition, especially among highly educated women and lower-earning men. Hormones, contraception, and endocrine disruption (Priority: 4/5): The guest claims hormonal birth control, SSRIs, and environmental endocrine disruptors may be altering libido, mate choice, and testosterone, contributing biologically to lower sexual desire and fertility. Porn, kink, and sexual conditioning (Priority: 4/5): Porn is described as a self-soothing, habit-forming proxy for sex that may sedate rather than addict users; the guest also links early exposure to more extreme sexual scripts, including choking and BDSM, and flags trauma correlations. Plastic surgery, beauty signaling, and status competition (Priority: 3/5): Cosmetic procedures are interpreted as sexually competitive signaling, with women and men increasingly exaggerating dimorphic traits to signal desirability, status, or formidability—often in ways that may distort real-world attraction. Solutions: offline courtship, health, and restraint (Priority: 4/5): The guest recommends real-life meeting, obvious signaling from women, men approaching, better diet/exercise/sunlight, less porn, and more deliberate pacing in long-term relationships to preserve novelty and bonding.

Key Arguments: Sexlessness is widespread across countries and age groups, but it is especially pronounced among young people, suggesting a structural rather than purely personal problem. The decline is not just a redistribution of sexual activity; overall sexual activity is shrinking. Porn and digital alternatives may reduce the effort required to pursue real partners, making sex and dating feel less rewarding or necessary. Social media and internet culture intensify comparison, resentment, and unrealistic expectations in both sexes. Women’s rising education and earnings have created a smaller pool of higher-status men, which changes dating power and commitment dynamics. Birth control may alter women’s mate preferences and reduce ovulatory signaling; environmental chemicals may also be lowering testosterone and fertility. Porn use is framed less as an addiction than as a maladaptive coping strategy linked to anxiety, procrastination, and self-soothing. Many sexual preferences, including kink and BDSM, may be associated with trauma or early exposure rather than simple preference alone. Cosmetic surgery and “looksmaxing” often signal intersexual or intrasexual competition more than they improve actual relationship outcomes. The likely practical fix is to reduce digital mediation, improve health and confidence, and return to offline, face-to-face courtship. In long-term relationships, sexual novelty needs to be preserved intentionally, or desire often decays into routine and avoidance.

Data Points: Men with no sex in past 12 months: 1 in 3 - Used to illustrate the scale of sexlessness among young men and the broader decline in sexual activity. Women with no sex in past 12 months: 1 in 5 - Cited alongside male sexlessness rates to show the trend affects both sexes. U.S. adults reporting no sex in 2021: 26% - Presented as a broad population benchmark for lower sexual activity. Weekly sex among adults: 37% in 2021 vs 55% in 1990 - Shows long-term decline in frequent partnered sex. Gen Z with no sex in the last month: 37% - Compared with millennials to show younger cohorts are more sexless. Millennials with no sex in the last month: 19% - Used as a contrast with Gen Z. 26-year-olds who are virgins: 1 in 8 - Presented as a marker of delayed sexual debut. 26-year-olds with no sex in the past year: 24% - Reported as roughly double the 2010 rate. U.S. adults with no sex in 2021: 26% - Repeat population-level figure emphasizing the recession. Married couples with no sex in the past month: 48% - Used to show sexlessness is not confined to singles. Gen Z prioritizing sleep over sex: 67% - Illustrates changing priorities and reduced sexual motivation. Depressed global population: 5% - Mentioned as part of the mental health explanation for reduced desire and initiative. Gen Z with diagnosed mental disorder: About 50% - Used to argue anxiety and depression are major contributors to sexual withdrawal. Among those Gen Z diagnoses: 90% have anxiety - Supports the claim that anxiety is a major barrier to dating and sex. Women of childbearing age on the pill: 11% - CDC-based figure cited in discussion of hormonal birth control. Women’s fertility decline: About half by age 35 - Used to stress biological limits and the importance of timing for childbearing. Children of women without kids after menopause: About 80% involuntary childlessness - Used to argue many childless women did not choose that outcome. Women unable to have children physiologically: About 10% - Mentioned as the minority facing true infertility. Male breadwinner risk when woman earns more: 50% more likely to use ED medication - Used to illustrate relationship strain when the woman is the primary earner. Marriage/divorce effect when man loses job: Likelihood of divorce doubles - Cited as evidence that male socioeconomic status strongly affects couple stability. Primary breadwinner couples: 1 in 7 couples - Shows increasing prevalence of women earning more than men. Women earning more than men up to age 30: About $1,500 more per year - Used to support the claim that women increasingly out-earn men early in adulthood. Average penis length: About 5 inches - Used in a discussion of men’s misperceptions about what women want. Six-inch erect penis percentile: 97th percentile - Cited to argue the “six inches” standard is already quite rare. One year after attractiveness ratings study: Female attractiveness ratings had zero predictive power; male formidability ratings were predictive - Used to support the idea that men’s self-optimization may be aimed at male competition more than female attraction. People on birth control/cosmetic procedures/AI use: Multiple references, no single quantified total - The conversation repeatedly links these technologies to lower-sex, higher-distraction behavior. Porn-related study sample: 302 adults - Referenced in a discussion of aggression and pain arousal in pornography. Company sales during pandemic for sex dolls: $20 million - Used to illustrate the scale of the synthetic sex market. Age at which women lose fertility sharply: Fertility drops by half by 35; menopause in mid-40s - Used to stress a narrowing reproductive window.

Pivotal Quotes: "It is a big deal." — Guest: Opening answer on whether less sex matters, framing the issue as consequential rather than trivial. "We are very much like enclosed. We all have our own little bubbles because it's like the norm now socially." — Guest: Describing how phones, social media, and digital life reduce connection and everyday intimacy. "My concern is more so when it's really young people, or I would say, even for men who are doing this, you really don't need to." — Guest: Speaking about cosmetic surgery and the pressure to alter appearance before aging has occurred.

Implications: The episode warns that intimacy is being displaced by digital substitutes, anxiety, and status competition. For listeners, the takeaway is to reduce screen-mediated life, prioritize health and real-world signaling, and treat fertility, commitment, and sexual development as time-sensitive.